My Bucket List

I was at work on November 8, 2018 when my mom called during my lunch crying while she told me “Paradise is on fire, it’s gone, the whole town is gone”!  I thought for sure my mom was being dramatic, I imagined a section of the town was gone or our favorite store was gone, I mean, who has ever heard of an entire town burning down and wiped off the map of this earth in a few hours? That doesn't happen, but it did happen to my hometown of Paradise, California. 

 I was born in Paradise, and lived my childhood in Paradise, I lived there until the summer of 84' my mom moved that summer, I was going into 8th grade. I'll never forget the day I left Paradise staring out the window of our Uhaul soaking in every pine tree smell, and the warmth of sun driving through the town and remembering all my memories with my friends and family, giving my mom the silent treatment for the next 2 days while we drove through two states to get to what would become our new home. I went  back to Paradise every now and then to visit my grandparents and friends. As time moved on and I grew older Paradise slowly became a memory.  I got married and had children  I would imagined the day I would go back to Paradise and show my children my roots, my hometown, and my childhood. Like most people who get caught up in their life I procrastinated always assuming I had forever and pretty soon my kids were growing up and moving out of the house and having kids of their own. I put going back to Paradise on my "bucket list," as one of the things I would like to do with my kid before I got to old. 

 I watched on the news and on Facebook clips of Paradise burning down and how devastated everyone was. I cried with my mom and reminisced about Paradise with old friends on Facebook,  we were all  reminiscing about the good old days growing up in Paradise. So many flashback of memories living in Paradise.  Facebook was flooded with Paradise residents and old residents talking about losing their homes, children losing their schools, the devastation it caused on our small Northern California, Butte county, community.  

My husband, and children not understanding why I was so devastated. I was so offended that my kids didn't take it serious, then my son made a comment, " we’ve never heard you even talk about Paradise."  Wait!! Back up!!! How could I have forgotten to tell my children about my hometown!!! My childhood!! I I had put Paradise on my bucket list of things to do. My Bucket list! Are you serious!!! How did half my life become a bucket list? It was at that moment, I realized my spouse and children knew so little about me outside of the life we shared together. There was a whole life of mine they new nothing about. How could I have forgotten?

I became an adult, a wife, a mother, and became so caught up in the "NOW"  creating a life for everyone else. I forgot all about my life, my childhood, my dreams.  My children knew their father was from the Pacific Islands and grew up knowing his culture, hearing stories of his life in Fiji. Somehow I became so involved in raising my children and making sure they new their Tongan heritage,  I stopped being "ME" and only became a wife and a mother. How did I forget to share half of my life with them?  

Paradise was gone, it was too late for me to take them back and show them my childhood home where I got the scar on my wrist, and forehead( I don't think my kids have ever noticed) All the times we called the police on our crazy neighbor, because he poisoned my cat "tinki" and put a gun to my brother's head while siting on our tree swing. The many times he tried to brake into our house at night and we were so frightened, I remember trying to time how long it would take me to get from my bedroom to my moms bedroom on the other side of the house, while I was waiting for the police. The surprise birthday party I through for my mom, My grandparents home(my peaceful place and loved to be), where I would play store in my grandparents laundry room with their cash register from my grandpas meat locker he had in paradise, I loved going to his meat locker and would always get to pick one thing to take home, I would pick out the jello with whip cream swirled around( I liked the red and green colors) and I will always remember his employee named "Tiny" but he was HUGE. My schools, where my best friend Cindy and I met in 5th grade sticking our tongues out at each other in class and playing lavern and Shirley on the playground(we always argued over who would be Laverne),  and causing chaos in our 7th grade English class where I got sent to the principles office, being in the Parade, having our first boy crushes and first kiss, sleep overs at her house where I got my head stuck in her couch(don't ask), my favorite hang out in the summer, the city pool( where my brother almost drowned), the rodeos, and High School sports games,  the movie theater and watching double features all afternoon, church activities, embarrassing my mom at the Christmas church show where I sang "Jingle Bells" so loud in the microphone, because I thought she couldn't hear me,  and when she got up to walk out, I yelled in the microphone, "mom where are you going, I'm singing?" (we still laugh over that).  Favorite restaurants, la casita, foster freeze and the Eagles sandwich shop, fishing in Paradise resevoir with my grandpa and gold panning on the "Feather River." Camping trips with my dad where we swear we found "Bigfoot" and camping with my mom where we locked ourselves in the front of the truck, because a bear was eating all our food. Days on Oroville Lake boating with my dad, I always loved going into the stores and gas fill up on the water, it was so cool how you could feel the gentle waves underneath, I loved to bounce on the walk way. I could go on and on about my life in Paradise,  How important it is to not forget our past and where we come from, and yet, the importance of mine was on my bucket list. 

Paradise is gone, Forever in my heart and embedded in my memories, Still on my bucket list, but no longer to show my children, but for me to remember the good old days, to put closure to a beloved town that is no more, to see what is still there and to remember what is gone. 

Paradise is where I was born and where my life began.  Paradise is who I am. Losing Paradise to a fire in a strange way helped me find myself again. Remembering Paradise also, helped me remember "ME." Who I wanted to be when I grew up,  all the dreams I had as a child, that so many of us forget along the road of adulthood. Sometimes out of devastation comes blessings.  My bucket list isn't for my children anymore, it's about finding me and remembering me and sharing my life with my friends and family and at 52 years young, I'm excited for this next journey in my life, now that my kids are adults and moving onto their next journey, so will I. 

 Thank you for the memories,  Paradise.

Quote For The Week

Don't gain the world and lose your soul, wisdom is better than silver or gold.
Bob Marley

Quote For The Week

"Build your own dreams, or someone else will hire you to build theirs."
Farrah Gray

Quote For The Week

"Dream as if you'll live forever. Live as if you'll die tomorrow."
James Dean

Quote For The Week

Another quote from my favorite person Bob Marley. A wise man--

"The greatness of a man is not in how much wealth he acquires, but in his integrity and his ability to affect those around him positively."
Bob Marley

Living life like a Gypsy

My life has been lived like a gypsy. The longest I've ever lived in one place, is when I was a child growing up in California. I was born in a small town in Northern California and lived there until I was fourteen years old.
 My parents divorced when I was five years old,  I never knew what it was like to live in a two parent household, mainly being raised by my mom,  but I remember the day my father moved out of the house like it was yesterday. I remember going in my room and packing my little suitcase,   I walked to the doorway where my mom was standing in the doorway of our kitchen to the garage and my dad was in his jeep, I stood in front of my mom with my suitcase and looked at my dad; He looked at me and asked me where I was going, and I told him I was going to live with him. I'll never forget him telling me I needed to stay with my mom. I was devastated.  I wanted to live with my dad, but he pulled out of the garage and left.  The rest of my childhood was split between parents, until my eighth grade year, this was the year my whole life the way I knew it would be changed forever. It was summer when we moved, we finally arrived in Utah after a two day trip in a U haul truck with my mom, brother, and our cat "spooks," I felt as if I was in a foreign country. Not knowing anything but California, I was shocked during my two day travel to discover the rest of the world didn't look like California. Arriving to Northern Utah all I saw was mountains. I was feeling claustrophobic. As beautiful as the mountains were I felt as if I couldn't breath, I was surrounded by mountains.  Utahn's had a language I'd never heard before. Using words, such as, "sluff," which, meant to "ditch" school, and "Oh my Heck," which, meant,  "Oh my God." or "Oh my heck", which was, "Oh my Hell", I was teased for talking to proper and pronouncing my "ing." ( For example, "nothing" would be "nothin.") Utah was a much more conservative state, not the liberal views I was use to in California. I was in a bit of culture shock when we first moved. Moving to Utah was the first of many moves; I didn't understand the chain reaction this move would create.

  We never stayed in one place, same home, for more than a couple years and that, would become a long time. As soon as I made friends; we were packing and moving to the next town. I became so many different people. One school, I was one of the popular kids, the next school I was everyones friend at school, but had no friend outside of school, the next school, only people that took me in would be the parking lot crew(the stoners or partiers), another school, I experienced my first boyfriend and it was just the two of us, not two schools would be the same experience. I quickly learned how different people were depending on where they lived. I experienced all kinds of attitudes from people, how some towns embraced new people moving in and others, didn't accept change at all. Sadly, I was judged for being new, or coming from a single parent home, not having enough money, not being religious enough and the best one of all, I was told once they didn't like me, because I was. "too nice." 

By the time I was nineteen. I had moved to seven different towns, experienced 2 more failed marriage, went to five different Elementary schools, two different middle schools, and four different High Schools.

I turned eighteen and was on a plane the day after High School graduation to begin my own journey. It all started with me being a Nanny in New York. A couple of friends joined me making this their journey too, so I wasn't all alone.  I met a lot of wonderful people and had an experience of a lifetime. It was my first time being on my own,  I made all my own decisions.  I felt so carefree, as if the world was ALL mine! I loved the weekends; I would take the train with friends and go into Manhattan, jumping on the giant piano in FAO Swartz(wanted to do that, ever since watching "Big"),walking down Time Square and taking pictures with President Reagan and other card board life size images of celebrities we would see on the sidewalks, Seeing Time Square, Broadway and Tiffany's was memorizing, being able to be at the Macy's Thanksgiving parade was unforgettable and the taxi rides, those were so awesome,  I'll never forget a taxi running over my foot in front of Macy's.  Don't get in the taxis way! Going to "SOHO" and buying my first imitation "guess" watch from a guy selling them on the street. Walking through Grenwich village and taking pictures with random people.(still have all those pictures) and riding the subway. Regretfully, not taking the boat to the lady herself or going inside "Twin Towers" are the things I wish I had done while I was there. I walked past both so many times.  After "9/11" I regretted it even more. 

While being a Nanny, I got to go on their family vacation to Nantucket.  We drove the East Coast and it was astonishing. I toured historical homes in Rhode Island,  and picnicked in Massachusetts, but the most memorable of them all was seeing all the transvestites in Cape Cod. Talk about an eye opening experience for a girl coming from Utah. They dressed in high heels, short mini skirts, and sleazy tank tops. Some had feathers around their necks twirling and walking in circles, with such attitude.  Reggae music in the background all along the beach. There were bands all up and down the Cape Cod and people dancing everywhere. I was so mesmerized, by Cape Cod.  

The next morning we took the 3 hour ferry ride over to Nantucket. It was breathtaking. Staring in the open ocean and imagining everything underneath the ocean waters, hoping to see anything jump out of the water, but never did. 

Nantucket, was an amazing island. The streets were made of cobblestone and everyone got around by moped. We took an excursion to watch the whales and the only thing I ended up watching was the captains son who was guiding the sails on the boat. He couldn't have been much older than me at the time and he was gorgeous. Somehow, I managed to get a picture of us on the boat and to this day still have the picture. I often wonder what ever came of him. Nantucket is one place I have always wanted to go back and see.
 
In my adult life I continued moving around. Apple didn't fall far from the tree in moving around aspect. My husband and I have lived in eight different places and three states. life circumstances have kept us moving around.

There has been good and bad that's come with moving around so much, but it's the only life I've ever known.  There has been lesson's learned from every place I have lived  I wouldn't trade the memories. I've met wonderful people and made some lifetime friends.  Moving around can be hard, means lots of starting over, sometimes devastating, but it can also be a blessing, rewarding, liberating and wonderful. 

" Be a traveler, not a tourist. Try new things, meet new people, and look beyond what's right in front of you. Those are the keys to understanding this amazing world we live in." Andrew Zimmern

 I have experienced my share of laughter, tears, trials and tribulations, I've had a lifetime of learning and I continue to learn everyday. I know my life isn't an easy one or for that matter a normal one, but it's MINE. 

You can become hateful, angry, and bitter, or you can see the positive in every situation and the lesson to learn, this is what determines the integrity, dignity, and character of your soul.

Quote For The Week

"Every day, a new opportunity to decide where your next step will go is given to you. Your future will be determined by the accumulation of these daily decisions. You control your steps and therefore your destiny, so choose wisely."
Kevin Ngo