I was born in Paradise, and lived my childhood in Paradise, I lived there until the summer of 84' my mom moved that summer, I was going into 8th grade. I'll never forget the day I left Paradise staring out the window of our Uhaul soaking in every pine tree smell, and the warmth of sun driving through the town and remembering all my memories with my friends and family, giving my mom the silent treatment for the next 2 days while we drove through two states to get to what would become our new home. I went back to Paradise every now and then to visit my grandparents and friends. As time moved on and I grew older Paradise slowly became a memory. I got married and had children I would imagined the day I would go back to Paradise and show my children my roots, my hometown, and my childhood. Like most people who get caught up in their life I procrastinated always assuming I had forever and pretty soon my kids were growing up and moving out of the house and having kids of their own. I put going back to Paradise on my "bucket list," as one of the things I would like to do with my kid before I got to old.
I watched on the news and on Facebook clips of Paradise burning down and how devastated everyone was. I cried with my mom and reminisced about Paradise with old friends on Facebook, we were all reminiscing about the good old days growing up in Paradise. So many flashback of memories living in Paradise. Facebook was flooded with Paradise residents and old residents talking about losing their homes, children losing their schools, the devastation it caused on our small Northern California, Butte county, community.
My husband, and children not understanding why I was so devastated. I was so offended that my kids didn't take it serious, then my son made a comment, " we’ve never heard you even talk about Paradise." Wait!! Back up!!! How could I have forgotten to tell my children about my hometown!!! My childhood!! I I had put Paradise on my bucket list of things to do. My Bucket list! Are you serious!!! How did half my life become a bucket list? It was at that moment, I realized my spouse and children knew so little about me outside of the life we shared together. There was a whole life of mine they new nothing about. How could I have forgotten?
I became an adult, a wife, a mother, and became so caught up in the "NOW" creating a life for everyone else. I forgot all about my life, my childhood, my dreams. My children knew their father was from the Pacific Islands and grew up knowing his culture, hearing stories of his life in Fiji. Somehow I became so involved in raising my children and making sure they new their Tongan heritage, I stopped being "ME" and only became a wife and a mother. How did I forget to share half of my life with them?
Paradise was gone, it was too late for me to take them back and show them my childhood home where I got the scar on my wrist, and forehead( I don't think my kids have ever noticed) All the times we called the police on our crazy neighbor, because he poisoned my cat "tinki" and put a gun to my brother's head while siting on our tree swing. The many times he tried to brake into our house at night and we were so frightened, I remember trying to time how long it would take me to get from my bedroom to my moms bedroom on the other side of the house, while I was waiting for the police. The surprise birthday party I through for my mom, My grandparents home(my peaceful place and loved to be), where I would play store in my grandparents laundry room with their cash register from my grandpas meat locker he had in paradise, I loved going to his meat locker and would always get to pick one thing to take home, I would pick out the jello with whip cream swirled around( I liked the red and green colors) and I will always remember his employee named "Tiny" but he was HUGE. My schools, where my best friend Cindy and I met in 5th grade sticking our tongues out at each other in class and playing lavern and Shirley on the playground(we always argued over who would be Laverne), and causing chaos in our 7th grade English class where I got sent to the principles office, being in the Parade, having our first boy crushes and first kiss, sleep overs at her house where I got my head stuck in her couch(don't ask), my favorite hang out in the summer, the city pool( where my brother almost drowned), the rodeos, and High School sports games, the movie theater and watching double features all afternoon, church activities, embarrassing my mom at the Christmas church show where I sang "Jingle Bells" so loud in the microphone, because I thought she couldn't hear me, and when she got up to walk out, I yelled in the microphone, "mom where are you going, I'm singing?" (we still laugh over that). Favorite restaurants, la casita, foster freeze and the Eagles sandwich shop, fishing in Paradise resevoir with my grandpa and gold panning on the "Feather River." Camping trips with my dad where we swear we found "Bigfoot" and camping with my mom where we locked ourselves in the front of the truck, because a bear was eating all our food. Days on Oroville Lake boating with my dad, I always loved going into the stores and gas fill up on the water, it was so cool how you could feel the gentle waves underneath, I loved to bounce on the walk way. I could go on and on about my life in Paradise, How important it is to not forget our past and where we come from, and yet, the importance of mine was on my bucket list.
Paradise is gone, Forever in my heart and embedded in my memories, Still on my bucket list, but no longer to show my children, but for me to remember the good old days, to put closure to a beloved town that is no more, to see what is still there and to remember what is gone.
Paradise is where I was born and where my life began. Paradise is who I am. Losing Paradise to a fire in a strange way helped me find myself again. Remembering Paradise also, helped me remember "ME." Who I wanted to be when I grew up, all the dreams I had as a child, that so many of us forget along the road of adulthood. Sometimes out of devastation comes blessings. My bucket list isn't for my children anymore, it's about finding me and remembering me and sharing my life with my friends and family and at 52 years young, I'm excited for this next journey in my life, now that my kids are adults and moving onto their next journey, so will I.
Thank you for the memories, Paradise.
