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Sunday, August 18, 2013

Quote For The Week

Don't gain the world and lose your soul, wisdom is better than silver or gold.
Bob Marley

Sunday, August 11, 2013

Quote For The Week

"Build your own dreams, or someone else will hire you to build theirs."
Farrah Gray

Sunday, August 4, 2013

Quote For The Week

"Dream as if you'll live forever. Live as if you'll die tomorrow."
James Dean

Sunday, July 28, 2013

Quote For The Week

Another quote from my favorite person Bob Marley. A wise man--

"The greatness of a man is not in how much wealth he acquires, but in his integrity and his ability to affect those around him positively."
Bob Marley

Tuesday, July 23, 2013

Living life like a Gypsy

My life has been lived like a gypsy. The longest I've ever lived in one place, is when I was a child growing up in California. I was born in a small town in Northern California and lived there until I was fourteen years old.
 My parents divorced when I was five years old,  I never knew what it was like to live in a two parent household, mainly being raised by my mom,  but I remember the day my father moved out of the house like it was yesterday. I remember going in my room and packing my little suitcase,   I walked to the doorway where my mom was standing in the doorway of our kitchen to the garage and my dad was in his jeep, I stood in front of my mom with my suitcase and looked at my dad; He looked at me and asked me where I was going, and I told him I was going to live with him. I'll never forget him telling me I needed to stay with my mom. I was devastated.  I wanted to live with my dad, but he pulled out of the garage and left.  The rest of my childhood was split between parents, until my eighth grade year, this was the year my whole life the way I knew it would be changed forever. It was summer when we moved, we finally arrived in Utah after a two day trip in a U haul truck with my mom, brother, and our cat "spooks," I felt as if I was in a foreign country. Not knowing anything but California, I was shocked during my two day travel to discover the rest of the world didn't look like California. Arriving to Northern Utah all I saw was mountains. I was feeling claustrophobic. As beautiful as the mountains were I felt as if I couldn't breath, I was surrounded by mountains.  Utahn's had a language I'd never heard before. Using words, such as, "sluff," which, meant to "ditch" school, and "Oh my Heck," which, meant,  "Oh my God." or "Oh my heck", which was, "Oh my Hell", I was teased for talking to proper and pronouncing my "ing." ( For example, "nothing" would be "nothin.") Utah was a much more conservative state, not the liberal views I was use to in California. I was in a bit of culture shock when we first moved. Moving to Utah was the first of many moves; I didn't understand the chain reaction this move would create.

  We never stayed in one place, same home, for more than a couple years and that, would become a long time. As soon as I made friends; we were packing and moving to the next town. I became so many different people. One school, I was one of the popular kids, the next school I was everyones friend at school, but had no friend outside of school, the next school, only people that took me in would be the parking lot crew(the stoners or partiers), another school, I experienced my first boyfriend and it was just the two of us, not two schools would be the same experience. I quickly learned how different people were depending on where they lived. I experienced all kinds of attitudes from people, how some towns embraced new people moving in and others, didn't accept change at all. Sadly, I was judged for being new, or coming from a single parent home, not having enough money, not being religious enough and the best one of all, I was told once they didn't like me, because I was. "too nice." 
By the time I was nineteen. I had moved to seven different towns, experienced 2 more failed marriage, went to five different Elementary schools, two different middle schools, and four different High Schools.

I turned eighteen and was on a plane the day after High School graduation to begin my own journey. It all started with me being a Nanny in New York. A couple of friends joined me making this their journey too, so I wasn't all alone.  I met a lot of wonderful people and had an experience of a lifetime. It was my first time being on my own,  I made all my own decisions.  I felt so carefree, as if the world was ALL mine! I loved the weekends; I would take the train with friends and go into Manhattan, jumping on the giant piano in FAO Swartz(wanted to do that, ever since watching "Big"),walking down Time Square and taking pictures with President Reagan and other card board life size images of celebrities we would see on the sidewalks, Seeing Time Square, Broadway and Tiffany's was memorizing, being able to be at the Macy's Thanksgiving parade was unforgettable and the taxi rides, those were so awesome,  I'll never forget a taxi running over my foot in front of Macy's.  Don't get in the taxis way! Going to "SOHO" and buying my first imitation "guess" watch from a guy selling them on the street. Walking through Grenwich village and taking pictures with random people.(still have all those pictures) and riding the subway. Regretfully, not taking the boat to the lady herself or going inside "Twin Towers" are the things I wish I had done while I was there. I walked past both so many times.  After "9/11" I regretted it even more. 

While being a Nanny, I got to go on their family vacation to Nantucket.  We drove the East Coast and it was astonishing. I toured historical homes in Rhode Island,  and picnicked in Massachusetts, but the most memorable of them all was seeing all the transvestites in Cape Cod. Talk about an eye opening experience for a girl coming from Utah. They dressed in high heels, short mini skirts, and sleazy tank tops. Some had feathers around their necks twirling and walking in circles, with such attitude.  Reggae music in the background all along the beach. There were bands all up and down the Cape Cod and people dancing everywhere. I was so mesmerized, by Cape Cod.  
The next morning we took the 3 hour ferry ride over to Nantucket. It was breathtaking. Staring in the open ocean and imagining everything underneath the ocean waters, hoping to see anything jump out of the water, but never did. 
Nantucket, was an amazing island. The streets were made of cobblestone and everyone got around by moped. We took an excursion to watch the whales and the only thing I ended up watching was the captains son who was guiding the sails on the boat. He couldn't have been much older than me at the time and he was gorgeous. Somehow, I managed to get a picture of us on the boat and to this day still have the picture. I often wonder what ever came of him. Nantucket is one place I have always wanted to go back and see.
 
In my adult life I continued moving around. Apple didn't fall far from the tree in moving around aspect. My husband and I have lived in eight different places and three states. life circumstances have kept us moving around.

There has been good and bad that's come with moving around so much, but it's the only life I've ever known.  There has been lesson's learned from every place I have lived  I wouldn't trade the memories. I've met wonderful people and made some lifetime friends.  Moving around can be hard, means lots of starting over, sometimes devastating, but it can also be a blessing, rewarding, liberating and wonderful. 

" Be a traveler, not a tourist. Try new things, meet new people, and look beyond what's right in front of you. Those are the keys to understanding this amazing world we live in." Andrew Zimmern

 I have experienced my share of laughter, tears, trials and tribulations, I've had a lifetime of learning and I continue to learn everyday. I know my life isn't an easy one or for that matter a normal one, but it's MINE. 

You can become hateful, angry, and bitter, or you can see the positive in every situation and the lesson to learn, this is what determines the integrity, dignity, and character of your soul.



Monday, July 22, 2013

Quote For The Week

"Every day, a new opportunity to decide where your next step will go is given to you. Your future will be determined by the accumulation of these daily decisions. You control your steps and therefore your destiny, so choose wisely."
Kevin Ngo

Monday, July 15, 2013

Quote For The Week

"Take risk: if you win, you will be happy; if you lose, you will be wiser."
  Unknown

Monday, July 8, 2013

Quote For The Week

This week was a tough one. Having to say Good-bye to my oldest son and his new bride gave me the inspiration to say Good-bye to a lot of things. I spring cleaned my house and got rid of things I was hanging onto for years, wondering why I found them so important and realized they no longer served their purpose. The materialistic things I thought were so irreplaceable are nothing compared to a child. I was finally able to allow myself to get rid of clutter and memorabilia that I've been hauling all over the country for years. Having to see a child leave his family nest to start his own family was the hardest thing to date I've had to do, and it made me realize the things I placed so important and irreplaceable ARE replaceable, I was finally able to let them go.This week I didn't only say Good-bye to my son as he moves on with his life. I was also able to say Good-bye to a lot of my past and move on also. Needless to say I'm having a huge yard sale!  I find this quote fitting for this week. I hope you find it inspirational too--

"Parents rarely let go of their children, so children let go of them. They move on. They move away. The moments that used to define them- a mother's approval, a father's nod, are covered by moments of their own accomplishments. It is not until much later, as the skin sags and the heart weakens, that children understand; their stories, and all their accomplishments, sit atop the stories of their mothers and fathers, stones upon stones, beneath the waters of their lives."
 Mitch Albom, The Five People You Meet in Heaven





Sunday, July 7, 2013

Cutting Those Apron Strings

"Parents rarely let go of their children, so children let go of them. They move on. They move away. The moments that used to define them- a mother's approval, a father's nod, are covered by moments of their own accomplishments. It is not until much later, as the skin sags and the heart weakens, that children understand; their stories, and all their accomplishments, sit atop the stories of their mothers and fathers, stones upon stones, beneath the waters of their lives."
 Mitch Albom, The Five People You Meet in Heaven


When I started having children my life ended as I knew it and a new way of life began.  Days of no sleep, nursing sick children, cleaning up puke, performing first aid on endless cuts, scrapes and bruises, yelling and arguing, sadness, laughter and love, many talks and sometimes just listening, being chauffeur to many play dates, sports, sleepovers, I became enslaved to my children, The career I once dreamed of now put on hold, the freedom I once had now gone. For the next 18 years I live, breathe, for my children, dreaming for the day they leave, and journey into the world on their own and, then, one day it's here! Just like that, I  blink and they are all grown up,  all the stress and joys of raising them I realize I'm not ready to let them go, I question did I raised them right, teach them enough, educationally, spiritually, morally, did I give them the right advise? Do they know not to mix whites with colors, not to cook everything on high, how much medicine to take when they don't feel good, do they know the recipe to their favorite home cook meal, for a minute I start to second guess the last 18 years I was there for them building their nest of security. I thought having children was hard, watching them leave is harder.

The day when your child graduates from High School is one of the biggest milestones in their lives. A milestone stating their childhood is complete and all the sleepless nights of yelling at them to do their homework, curfews of being home early on school nights, has paid off,  It closes one chapter in their lives and allows them to start their adulthood while they still know everything.

One of the proud moments of my life was watching my children graduate from High School.  A reassurance,  that I did alright as a parent. knowing they will be leaving soon after  graduation, makes this special day bitter/sweet. I prepared the whole time being a parent teaching my children to be successful in life and now I had to put faith in my own teachings and trust I taught them enough, so they will be able to go out in the world and be a successful, functional young adult; Understanding children will have challenges in life and I won't always be there, not because I don't want to be there, but, because I know my children are not going to share things with me like they did when they are younger.

The day my eldest left home for college was a sobering one; excited to see what kind of adult he will be and what life has in store for him, but sad his childhood is nothing but pictures in photo albums and memories now. Finally, understanding that stage in our lives is over, is an emotional one. I wanted to hold him and never let him go,I wanted to still protect him from the world,  but at the same time I could see his excitement, still  naive, but,  longing for self independence to move on and become his own person, I knew he was ready. 

It doesn't take long for the dreaded words you hope to never hear come,  "I'm too busy,"  "Can't take off work," or "need to study for finals," "wish I could."  I began to understand why my mom got so excited for the holidays. A time in all our young lives where the importance of family gathering seems so petty, as you become older you cherish every family get together you are able to have.  I started to look forward to when college was out and I knew he would be home. I made sure all their childhood memories and favorite decorations were sitting out around the house, so we could reminisce about them later. The holidays were no longer about making it fun, but cherishing the time I had all my children home.

I wanted to know everything while they were home.  Friends? Girlfriends? Boyfriends? How life was going? I was so excited to hear all about their lives away from home.  They would answer my questions, but I could feel a sense of coolness, They didn't get excited to tell me anymore like they did when they were younger, all of a sudden I was just being nosey, or meddling,  It hurts to see the closeness slipping away, I am not the main person in their lives anymore.  Growing up they depended on me for everything, now they depends on their friends, co-workers, or jobs. Then, it hit me out of nowhere,  it was happening just like it did for me with my parents, tat that moment I could see my young adult self in their eyes.   I had been foolish just enough to think time would stop for me, but it didn't.

My son's senior year of college two more major milestones happened. The "BIG" day he told me he wanted to ask his girlfriend to marry him. We talked for hours, I was so excited, but, I think secretly I was hoping to talk him out of it for my own selfish reasons, no mother wants to be replaced by another girl you know he will depend on more than you, but knowing in my heart it would never happen I had to accept it and let him move on.  I felt very honored when he chose me to go with him to pick her engagement ring. I knew the whole time we were looking at rings this would probably be the last real mother/son time we would have and I cherished every minute of it. We went to all the jewelry stores in town before we found the perfect ring for this special girl he had chosen to make his wife. I couldn't help but keep staring at my little boy, only to realize my son had truly become a man.

He proposed to her like a perfect gentleman asking her father for her hand in marriage first. They gave him their blessing. The next time we saw them she was wearing her ring. It looked gorgeous on her and my son was proud to show it off to us. Soon the wedding planning began.

Exactly a month after his college graduation we were sitting at his wedding. This day was a surreal moment for me. I was there, but it felt like an outer body experience.  This boy I loved and invested so much of my life into was now going to share his life with someone else.  This is going to be new territory for me. I won't be the person he counts on, shares his secrets with, asks advice, calls when he doesn't feel good, She will be who he turns too, which, is how it should be, this parenting stuff is getting a lot harder, than I thought. The biggest challenge has been letting go.
 
 We put so much time and energy into being a mom from the day you find out your pregnant, impatiently waiting, waiting for the morning sickness to end, waiting until baby is born, waiting for baby to sleep through the night, waiting for them to crawl, waiting for them to take their first steps, waiting for them to go to school, waiting for them to grow up and when they finally do, we don't want to let go, we wait for their calls, wait for their visits, being a mother is a life of a lot of waiting, but I would wait all over again, if I could.

One by one my children have flown the coop, and new chapters have started. The latest chapter is called "Mima and Papa" our new names. The day will come when our children will have to cut their apron strings, and so will their children, and their children and life comes full circle.

















Sunday, June 30, 2013

Quote For the Week


I love Bob Marley and marrying a reggae musician has kept Bob Marley in my life. Some of my most favorite quotes come from him. I have always been impressed with his laid back, chill look on life. He looked at everything in a positive matter, and never let anything bring him down. Although, I may not agree with all his views,  I agree for the most part with his philosophy on life. He deserves to be the legend he is today. You will find I put a lot of his quotes on my blog.

This weeks quote:

"Live the life you love, Love the life you live."
Bob Marley

Wednesday, June 26, 2013

Quote For The Week



6/26/13--I love Quotes. I find them inspiring and a nice way to express your feelings without having to say a lot of words. So I've decided to share some of my favorite Quotes on my blogger. I will start posting a weekly Quote, I hope you find them just as inspiring. I will begin with my own personal quote on life:

 "My philosophy on life is to always find the good in everything. No matter how bad things get there is always a lesson to be learned, whether it be through experiences, friends, family, work, illness, love, or an enemy, it's only when you stop wanting to learn that you have failed life, life doesn't fail you."  MJ Tupou

Friday, June 21, 2013

Some Marriage Advice

To all the Married Men and Women out there--

We spend our entire life being groomed to someday find that perfect man/ woman.

As little girls we imagine our dream wedding, even cut out magazine clippings of the perfect wedding dress,  flowers,  dream cake, wedding colors and the perfect wedding ring.
We stress over our figures, always dieting to be as attractive as we possibly can be in order to catch our Prince Charming's when he comes along. Making sure our make up is flawless, our hair is perfect, and baby soft skin.
We've learned body language, how to flirt just enough to get his attention, but not too much that there isn't any mystery to keep him interested.

Men, have learned to be as masculine as they can, or as smooth as an operator, walking around without their shirts on to catch our attention with their inevitable six pack. Showing off for us, yes we notice! knowing how smile just enough to be sexy.  Learning how to shower us with gifts and making us feel like we are number one.

We have invested so much of our lives in catching that "Perfect" person, no one told us what to do once we found them. After walking down that isle and the honeymoon phrase is over, soon comes children,  the fairytale story soon becomes reality, with screaming children, bills to pay, no sleep, no privacy, not always agreeing on everything, sometimes illness, stress of taking care of a family can change a person. The stress can take a toll on a marriage. So many of us fall into the unwanted trap of playing house and pretending you are a perfect couple, substituting happiness and love with materialistic things, vacations, keeping up with the "jones" We have put a value on love, marriage, and family with statue: the neighborhood we live in, the house we own, the schools our children attend, the cars we drive, how many activities we can do in one week, how many promotions we are given. We become so caught up in the everyday living of society, that we forget the simple thing that brought us together in the first place. Love, laughter and simply living for one another.
It is too easy to become a statistic in society with divorce rising and a two-parent household becoming the minority. So I have put together a list of ways to hold on to your spouse and marriage. This is purely my opinion based on my own personal experiences and you are entitled to agree or not agree.


"Real giving is when we give to our spouses what's important to them, whether we understand it, like it, agree with it, or not." Michele Weiner-Davis

My advice for Woman in keeping your man:

1. Don't stop putting on your makeup and taking care of yourself. Just because he walked down the isle with you doesn't mean you need to stop investing time in keeping him attracted to you. Take pride in yourself and in how you look, when you feel good about yourself, it rubs onto him and he wants to be around you.

2. Don't stop cooking him dinner. Cook for him like you did when you wanted to impress him in the beginning of your relationship. I know woman work just as hard as the man, but sometimes something as simple as making him dinner can show him you appreciate his hard work. He may even surprise you with dinner when you come home from work, because he wants to show you he cares too. It's the simple deeds that go along ways in a marriage and pretty soon you find both of you are wanting to make one another happy all the time.

3. Don't become resentful. When you have to take care of the kids, work, cook, clean and be wife, mother, doctor, housemaid, and chauffeur. Remember, it's a maternal instinct to want to be "Superwoman" and you can't resent him because you are trying to be too much all by yourself.  So many men believe if he brings home the bacon and provide for his family he has done his duty.  It doesn't mean he loves you any less. 

4. Show interest in your man. Be willing to share the TV and watch his sports. Invite people over(your friends and his) for Sporting events to make it fun for you, The things you dislike about him, find a way to make it interesting, you might just discover you are enjoying the things you didn't like. Soon, he may surprise you with watching one of those "girly" movies we know all men hate to watch, but he will do it for you.

5. Don't get mad when he leaves the toilet seat up! Be thankful he respected you enough to not pee on the toilet seat. He was thinking of you by leaving the toilet seat up. haha 

6. Never go to bed mad! Girls we hold grudges more than men. They will move on and think it's over when we are still mad. It's best to resolve arguments before going to bed. It's not good to fall asleep with all that anger. At the beginning of everyday and at the end of everyday take time to yourselves to remember why you are married. 

7. Keep a journal. When you find it hard to remember why you are married you can revisit entries that will remind you why you fell in love, and what it was about this person you chose to spend the rest of your life with. Always write Pro's and Con's. They will change over the years, as people change and mature, but as long as your Pro's outweigh the Con's you are still on the right track.

8. Don't expect things to be perfect! No one is perfect. when your spouse goes through changes accept his changes (as long as they are not harmful!). Your spouse will change over the years as they reach different maturity levels with age and as life events happen it will change a person. The best advice I was given early in my marriage, " you can leave and find someone else, but that new person will have their own set of problems too. Nobody is perfect. You need to decide what set of problems you are willing to live with, and what set of problems you are not willing to live with. Set boundaries, if your spouse hasn't crossed those boundaries, then be willing to deal with whatever his problems may be and accept him for who he is."

9. Don't NAG. Yes, I said it. It's one thing to talk and let him know you're upset or don't like something, talk it over with him and move on,  but don't live in the past and continue to bring it up over and over. Don't constantly remind your partner of everything they are doing wrong, pretty soon they will believe it and turn into the person you say they are. 

10. Be true to yourself. Never forget who you are! That is who he fell in love with in the first place. Don't become somebody he didn't fall in love with.  Be the best woman you know how to be and true to your heart and you will always be the woman your husband married. He will fall in love with you all over again everyday.

My advice for men to keep your woman:

1. Love her,  She is the one you wanted to spend the rest of your life with and the person you chose to be the mother of your children. Honor her and never take her for granted, never make her feel like you don't love her.

2. Don't be prideful.  Your pride can be your best friend or your worst enemy. Allow yourself to be humbled. There is nothing a woman loves more than a man who can cry. It doesn't mean you are weak, but that you are human. Allow your spouse to be your strength, as you are hers. Don't be so prideful that you lose your direction.

3. Make your family priority. Don't be so involved in your career, that you forget why you are working in the first place. There is nothing more lonely than coming home to an empty house. No money in the world is worth losing your family.  Make sure you have time for your loved ones.

4. Be there emotionally. Don't allow yourself to become roommates, you need to remember why you wanted to marry her and never let that passion die. Remember to make her feel as important to you as she did the day you married her.  If you do this there isn't anything she won't do to make you happy.

5. Show your spouse respect. Be the kind of man to your wife you want your daughter to marry. And set the example of what kind of man you want your son to be. They will follow in your footsteps.

6. Listen. When girls talk to you we don't want you to fix everything, sometimes we just need you to be our friend and listen.

7. Be her strength,  No wife wants to feel like she has to be your mother too. Remember she married you to be your companion and to be your best friend, Allow her to be that. 

8. Be her friend.   Remember you are married.  Marriage is a "WE" This doesn't make you weak it's makes you friends to include each other. If you're hurting or stressed, talk to your wife, include her, don't shut down. this will bring you closer.

9. Be honest!  No marriage can survive secrets or lies. This goes for woman too!

10. Be prepared. Never forget your anniversary, valentines, birthdays, or any other special day in your marriage. Make plans, don't ever just assume your partner will make plans,  or ask your partner what they want to do. (NO, NO) make an effort to let your partner know they are important to you, that you went out of your way to make it special, even, if it's just a dinner at home or a car ride or a walk,  just the two of you, doesn't need to be expensive or extravagant, ,just needs to let her know she is important to you.

Finally for both partners:

Be the kind of person when you are apart, you will be missed. Be the person your partner can't live without. 

 I know that everyone at some point in their marriage questions wether they made the right choice. I found this saying below during a time in my life when I was questioning my decision in who I married. I love this authors philosophy. Once I started looking at life in this point of view I became a happier person and my marriage became a happier one.  So I will end with this saying:

"I have no way of knowing whether or not you married the wrong person, but I do know that many people have a lot of wrong ideas about marriage and what it takes to make that marriage happy and successful. I'll be the first to admit that it's possible that you did marry the wrong person. However, if you treat the wrong person like the right person, you could well end up having married the right person after all. On the other hand, if you marry the right person, and treat that person wrong, you certainly will have ended up marrying the wrong person. I also know that it is far more important to be the right kind of person than it is to marry the right person. In short, whether you married the right or wrong person is primarily up to you." Zig Ziglar




Tuesday, May 21, 2013

Aloha!

" Life is what happens to you while you are busy making other plans" Allen Saunders


It was February 24, 2004 when my children and I got on an airplane with nothing but our suitcases to start a new life in "Paradise," we were moving to the Sandwich Islands, better known as Hawaii, The Big island to be exact. My husband relocated there four months earlier for a job, when he was offered a permanent position we decided to move.

 I had spent the last two months working full time, being a full time mother to four wonderful children, taking care of our 7 month old son who was sick with  RSV(a respiratory virus). He was receiving home health and a nebulizer three times a day, my oldest son broke his arm during Football practice and had to have surgery, and in my spare time I was packing, cleaning the home and trying to sell all our belongings. My husband was able to fly over, but was only able to get two weeks off and did as much as he could to help while he was home, even with his help I felt very overwhelmed.

The last two month was so exhausting, and draining, I was running on pure adrenaline in order to keep myself from falling apart. When we got on our red eye flight after a long journey to the airport and saying goodbye to family and friends, I could finally let go. It felt good to be catered to on the airplane with movies and food, I took a deep sigh of relief. There was nothing more for me to do, other than sit back and enjoy the ride.

It was a very peaceful ride, the baby slept, my daughters were watching movies and my teenage son wasn't speaking to me. He had been giving me the silent treatment ever since his surgery. He was still mad at us for moving and ruining his life. Looking across at him on the plane I couldn't help but chuckle. He looked so mean with his Fluorescence Pink Cast. He had two other casts before his surgery and this time decided to be funny and get pink. The closer we got to arriving the more anxious I became. All I could think about was getting off the plane and handing the children over to my husband and starting my vacation, that I definitely earned!

It was morning when we landed on the Big island of Hawaii. The scenery wasn't at all how I pictured Hawaii to look. I imagined plush greenery and palm trees with vibrant tropical flowers all over. The view leaving the airport was nothing but black lava rock and very flat. I could see the look on my children's faces, they were thinking the same thing I was, where did we just move too! As we were driving to the town we saw writings in the rocks done by white coral with peoples names on it. That was fun to read and look at, but very different from what I had imagined an island to look like. I never understood why the airport was built where it was. It gave such a false persona of the Island. It wasn't until the following day when my husband drove us around the island we began to see the island we imagined it to look like. We visited the waterfalls Hawaii is famous for and the very well known Volcanoes that built the islands. The only active one in Hawaii today is on the Big Island of Hawaii. Then we stopped at the beach and let the kids experience the ocean for the first time. It was a dream come true. My poor son couldn't get in the water because of his cast, but enjoyed walking along the rocks in the water. We went home and my husband made us one of his Polynesian BBQ dinners, that we must have had a thousand times but it seemed like we were tasting it for the first time eating it in Hawaii.

After a couple of weeks getting the kids ready for school with all the required immunizations for the State of Hawaii, they finally started their first day. That is when my vacation started! I went to the beach everyday once the kids got off to school.  I put the baby in a stroller and we walked the town and went in all the stores. I played a tourist until I ran out of excursions to do and places to go. I found all the "Keiki"( children) ponds and my baby loved it! I soon knew my way around the Island and new all the places to go. My husband was making enough money that I didn't have to find work, I was able to stay home and enjoy being a mother.  I was unable to do be a stay-at- home mom with my other children and took full advantage of staying home with my last baby.  When my baby started preschool I found a job, by this time I was ready to work again and have some independence again, plus it was a way for me to socialize with adults. Working was my vacation away from home.

My children instantly became part of the "local" scene.  Being half polynesian helped. Even though they were not Hawaiian they were learning more about the Polynesian culture then they ever could have learned living on the "mainland", I absolutely was thrilled with everything they were learning and I quickly saw how moving here was the best decision we had made. Everyday waking up to our exquisite ocean view was beyond anything I could ever imagined. My daughters took up "Hula" classes and performed at varies Luau's and Resort on the Island, My eldest son became very involved in High School Sports and we traveled all the islands through his sports. Every time he had to play a High School on another island, we used it as an excuse to tour that island and would stay a few extra days. It was an amazing time in our lives. Every weekend was spent at the beach, BBQing or camping. We loved to entertain friends and new family we were meeting in our home. We were starting our own family traditions. I couldn't dream of having a better life anywhere else. The cultural experience my children were having was remarkable. We had made some life long friends and met relatives we had never seen before. After moving several times in the past we had finally found our home and a place where we wanted to settle and live forever. This was our "Ohana"(home and family). We started to look at homes to buy and make this a permanent move.We couldn't have been more happier; then, overnight the life we had built for ourselves had changed.

The economy crashed in 2008 and we were hit hard. Something we had not planned on. All construction and building came to a stop on the island. My husband struggled to find work and when he did he was having a hard time getting payment for his work.  It was impossible to live off of my income alone trying to raise a family of six and we soon were losing everything we had spent the last few years building, within 3 months our oldest son graduated from High School and was leaving for college, we were being evicted from our home due to lack of income, we could no longer pay our bills and were behind on everything. When we realized there was nothing we could do without the income to continue living in Hawaii, regretfully we moved back to the "mainland" believing my husband would be able to find work. We ended up having a garage sale and sold all our belongings in our home and found ourselves once again at an airport with nothing but our suitcases starting over again! I was devastated, angry, hurt and felt like my life was falling apart, I felt like everything was out of my control and I didn't understand how this could have happened to us. I had no idea what the future held for myself or my family.

Within the first month of moving back to the "mainland" we found more devastation when we realized that we were now homeless and neither of us were able to find work. We were living with my mother. No person imagines in their "middle age" years, moving your entire family in with your parents. This should be a time in our lives when we should be buying our first home, happily raising our children and teaching them lessons, putting our children through school and helping them in building their future, dreams, and goals. We never imagined our confidence and security as parents and human beings could all be taken away. I questioned what kind of parent I was to my children when I couldn't even take care of myself. I began to have doubt in myself and felt like such a failure. I started looking back on my life and questioning every choice I ever made, wondering if I had done anything differently would I still be where I am today.

Moving to the "mainland" my children were old enough to recognize that certain people treated them different. For the first time in their lives they were the minority.  I felt terrible. I cried every night in the shower when no one could hear me and prayed for people in this world to not be so closed minded.  I didn't know how to take the pain away from my children knowing they were learning the realities of how ignorant some people in this world could be. 
In Hawaii, I experienced prejudices among some people. I was treated differently if I was in town alone, I was just a "hauli", if I went with my children or husband,  I seemed to be more excepted.  I didn't mind being the minority in Hawaii. I learned it was mostly because they didn't know me. Once I had lived there long enough to get to know people I didn't experience it as much. It never crossed my mind moving my children out of their comfort zone,  they would have a different experience and I was hurt that my children had to go through this experience. They never looked at themselves as different before because,  I never taught them to see color only a persons character.

Leave it to children to realize things better than adults! While I was struggling with helping my children go through this lesson in life, my daughter came home one day and ended up becoming my teacher. After school one day she came home smiling from ear to ear and said, "Mom, I figured out what is wrong with people here"? My curiosity was getting the best of me as I tried to imagine what she had discovered, I looked at her and said, "what"? She proudly replied by saying, "no one here has Aloha"!  I was stunned by what she said. She was absolutely right!

 In Hawaii, the culture is all about "Ohana"(family) and "Aloha"(love). With all the hustle and busy lifestyle of the "mainland," people can get so caught up in their accomplishments and lives, that they live for themselves and forget to live for others. This wasn't how I raised my children. Where we lived in Hawaii, life is taken back a notch and more laid back, people are not concerned with "keeping up with the Jones". The kids wear T-Shirt's and board-shorts, natural beach style hair or tied in a bun. The kids call you "Auntie" and "Uncle" out of respect. The teenage kids would hitch hike from beach to beach calling out your name, if you drove past them without giving them a ride. Everyone watches out for one another. The schools taught my kids about humanitarian work and community involvement in taking care of our environment and love for helping one another. At that very moment, I realized even though it cost more money to live in Hawaii, I felt more poorer financially and emotionally with the pressures that are put upon you living in the mainland. I found myself caring about social status, I was humiliated and ashamed I couldn't provide for my family and here comes my teenage daughter to remind me what I forgot. I was proud of my daughter for realizing that wasn't what mattered in life. What mattered was having "Aloha"!

We have chosen to make "Aloha" our family motto. My children have become active members of the community in volunteering for events, something they did in Hawaii  and was able to carry on in our new town.  My youngest son took it upon himself to educate his class about polynesians, so they knew about his culture. My daughter became part of the student council in her school and had a culture week in her school. My husband and I were both amazed and proud at how our children decided to deal with diversity. They taught us better than we could have taught them. Everyday, I wake up in "aw" of my children and their determination to remain positive no matter how bad the outcome may seem. To always find the positive in everything. To remember there is a reason and purpose for everything that happens in life. We are never given any trial we are not strong enough to handle and as long as we remember to have "Aloha" we can get through anything as a family and an individual.

Our family was hit hard when the economy changed and we were only one family out of many that ended up having their lives changed by the crash of 2008, but I believe we have become stronger as a family through this. This experience has only humbled us and made us realize that no matter how hard you work and plan your life while you are busy living the "American" dream, it can all come crumbling down in a heart beat.  When all is said and done all that truly matters is not how much money a person makes or the job they have or what kind of home you live in, the car you drive or your social status in society, the true dream is being together as a Family and being loved, having Aloha and Ohana.!  When disaster strikes no one cares about what you are, but who you are, your integrity, your compassion, your character, your love for one another. As long as my children have learned that, then I know I have succeeded as a parent.

Our goal is to return to Hawaii someday, but, until that day happens, we keep Hawaii in our hearts by never forgetting the most important thing we learned living there and that is to spread "Aloha' wherever you are. This keeps Hawaii, close to our hearts. Life may have taken us temporarily away from our home we built there, but it's only made our journey to return more adventurous.
















Thursday, April 11, 2013

Who Am I, Really?



The semester is over. Yahoo! For my final in my creative writing class, I had to write a short non-fiction story. I chose to write it on my life. I never realized how "Oprah" my life was until I started writing.  I hope you enjoy. I hope in sharing my experience, it can help someone else who has struggled in their life too.

Who Am I, Really?

" The two most important days in your life are: The day you are born, and the day you find out why." Mark Twain 


I  always knew I was adopted. My parents chose to not keep it from me, I thought everyone was adopted and it was normal. I never grew up thinking I was different, or that my parents were any less my parents because, they weren't my biological parents.  I never looked at being adopted as being different. As a child in elementary school I soon found out how cruel children could be. I thought it was sad some people were so closed minded they honestly believed you could only be family if you shared the same "DNA."
I was never ashamed of being adopted, and yet my entire life I felt like I didn't fit in. Don't get me wrong. I love my adopted family, and couldn't imagine my life without them, but I felt like no one truly understood me. I longed for a connection or bond with my adopted parents I would see with my friends and their parents. My parents and I didn’t share that closeness.  
 I wanted to know where I came from, who my ancestors were and who I looked like? People often asked what my ethnicity was and I would say, “I don’t know,” sometimes they would ask if I was Mexican, and I would go along with it, my adoptive mother told me when I was very young my biological mother had Indian in her, so I believed I was Native American Indian. 
I was always wondering what my life would have been like if I hadn't been adopted still believing "the grass is greener on the other side." I would dream I was a princess and came from royalty, then I would dream I was immortal or a witch and had special powers. I dreamed of becoming a famous singer, actress or an olympic ice skater and maybe my biological mother would recognize me and find me.
My childhood wasn’t an easy one. When I was five years old my adopted parents got divorced. I remember vividly the day my father left. I went in my bedroom and took my little pink suitcase and packed it with clothes that a five year old would only find necessary to bring. Went into the bathroom brushed my teeth and did my hair; put on my favorite dress to look pretty and show my dad I could take care of myself. I then walked past my mom and stood in front of her so my dad couldn't miss me, my dad was sitting in his red Jeep Wrangler.
He looked up at me and asked, “Where are you going?”
“I want to live with you and I’m going with you.” I replied
He then said the words that crushed me, “You need to stay here with your mother. I will see you soon Babe,” (He always called me Babe). 
He started his jeep and slowly backed out of the garage and soon he was gone. My mom tried to comfort me, but I shrugged my shoulders at her and ran into my room crying and yelling,
“ I hate my mom! How could she want my daddy gone?”

 Not understanding why adults do the things they do at my tender age of five, I was going to show my mom by punishing her and didn't eat anything or talk to her for the rest of that day!

 The majority of my childhood was spent in the middle of my parent’s court battles, and feeling like I had to choose. Every time I would chose my dad the courts kept placing me with my mom, and I became very bitter and angry. There was nothing wrong with my mother, except I felt a distance between us. I never felt like we understood each other. We were so opposite from one another.  I never got much support from my mom emotionally growing up, so I built a ”Halo” around my dad and believed he was going to save me.

One of my many memories that stick out in my head growing up is a time when I was ten and my dad came to visit, my mom wouldn’t let him in the house. I wanted to give him a hug and visit with him and my mom wouldn’t let me see him. I ran to the front window and waved at my Dad crying. He stared at me from outside and waved back, then got in his baby blue ford bronco and left.

 I wasn’t told until years later the reason I couldn’t see my dad that day was because he had been drinking alcohol and my mom didn’t want me seeing him drunk or him taking me and drinking and driving.

As I got older, the times with my dad became more infrequent. I would stand outside on his days to visit and wait all day for him to pull up in the driveway, but he never came.

By the time I reached my early teenage years my mom decided to move us two states away, so she could have a new start. I only saw my dad one time after we moved. He came to visit my brother and I during my sophomore year in High School for a week.
My father died when I was nineteen. We were out of town visiting my maternal grandparents when my mom got the call my dad had been killed in a car accident. He apparently fell asleep at the wheel and drove straight into a bank, he was pronounced dead on arrival.
The three hour drive back home from my grandparents you could have heard a pin drop. It was the longest drive ever. My mom still hadn’t told me what had happened; yet I felt this awful feeling inside. I knew something had happened to my dad I could feel it. I didn’t want to ask my mom what was wrong, if I didn’t ask she couldn’t confirm the feeling I was having so I kept quiet and stared out the car window the entire ride. I assumed if my intuition had been right she would have told me.
We pulled into town and my mom drove straight to the rehab center where my younger brother was currently staying. (My dad not being in our lives had already affected him). I knew something was seriously wrong when we were put in a room and the psychologist came in. I had a sick feeling in my stomach.
“Did you tell them?” The psychologist asked my mom.
“No, I wanted to wait to tell them with you,” my mom said.
They were talking as if my brother and I were not in the room.
I wanted to yell, “I already know! It’s Daddy, isn’t it?” But I kept quiet still hoping my instincts were not right, but secretly screaming inside I already knew.
Finally, the words came out of my mom’s mouth.
“Your dad was killed early this morning in a car accident.”
 As I was digesting what I had heard the psychologist looked at my brother and I and asked, “How does this make you feel?”
Are you kidding me! I was just told my Father died and he is seriously asking me how I feel?
“How do you think I feel, you idiot? My father just died, I’m devastated.” I ran out of the room and down the hall to exit the building. My mom wanted them to keep me in the facility because I was so upset, every door I tried to open was locked and I was feeling trapped in this awful place. I went into the bathroom and sobbed. Finally, a lady came inside the bathroom and because I was over eighteen they couldn’t legally keep me there and let me leave.
I ran and ran until I was physically drained I my body couldn't run anymore, and then I just fell to the ground sweating and out of breath. I began to weep, I’ve never wept as hard or as loud as I did that day. I was so upset I could barely breath. I cried until I was so emotionally drained I couldn’t cry anymore. I was oblivious to my surroundings. I became so weak my body and mind shut down and I fell asleep. It wasn’t until I was woken up by a police officer asking me if everything was ok, that I realized I was not in a good part of town. After explaining to him my ordeal he drove me home where I received the final blow.
When I walked in the house I checked the answering machine. There was a message from my dad he had left the day he died. He called to tell us good-bye and that he loved us. He ended the message playing his guitar and singing the song by Crosby, Stills,Nash and Young, “Teach your children well.”  the day and time he left the message on our recorder was hours before his car accident, which meant, He planned it!! By this time I was numb. I couldn’t take anymore. I emotionally shut down. Then, the ultimate last straw was when my mom wouldn't help me financially to go to my dad's funeral, she didn't want us to go. This was so unforgivable to me, I left and stayed with my friend for weeks, I wouldn't talk to my mom. I even tried walking to my dads funeral, but never made it there. It wasn't until a few years later, that I made it out why my brother and we saw his grave for the first time.
 I had built this image of my dad to be my “Superhero.” I thought he was invincible. He wasn’t supposed to be weak. How could he do something so selfish? Why didn’t he think of how my brother and I were going to feel? What if I had been there, maybe I could have changed his mind? He must of felt all alone? I felt an enormous amount of loss and sadness. There was a huge void in my life and I wasn’t sure what I was supposed to do with all my emotions. 
Dealing with my dad’s death and trying to figure out where to go from here I had the desire more than ever to discover Who I was. My mom had raised us with a strong religious background and I was beginning to question all of it. How could God have let this happen? I wanted to run away and get lost in a world I knew nothing about.
During this time in my life, I remained numb and I became angry with my dad for not loving me enough to stay alive.  I began to question life and my beliefs.  If my father didn’t believe what he had taught me then why should I? I started drinking and not caring about anything or anyone. I became depressed and destructive. I had given up on life.  I had forgotten I was still living.
 In this dark period I met someone who I dated for a brief time. The relationship ended when he told me he was using me to make my friend jealous because he liked her. In his twisted mind he thought by dating me it would make her like him. It backfired on him when both of us wanted nothing to do with him. Not long after I found out I was pregnant.  When I told him, he made it very clear he wanted nothing to do with the baby or me.
 In less than two years I went from a naive, sheltered “churchy” girl to an overwhelming reality check of how cold and cruel some people in this world could be.
             As weird as this may sound becoming pregnant save my life. In a time of my life where I felt I had lost everything and didn’t have any reason to live being pregnant gave me a purpose. It wasn’t just about me anymore. I was responsible for another life. When I got pregnant I stopped living the destructive lifestyle I was living and turned my life around.
During my pregnancy I began to understand the bond between a mother and a child. I felt this heavy burden knowing this baby was going to depend on me for the rest of his life to love, teach and protect him. I couldn’t mess this up! From that day forward I devoted my life to my son and vowed that any pain he felt in life would never be because of my own doing.
Somewhere, somehow my dad forgot his commitment to his children as a parent. For the first time I saw my dad through the eyes of an adult and not a child.  I began to cry not because he had died, but because I understood his pain, his loneliness, and the dark world of depression he had been living in because I had been there too. Instead of being angry with him, I felt compassion for him and sympathy that he had never discovered his reason to live. I realized at that moment God didn’t choose for this to happen, this was my father’s choice. I will never forget my dad’s selfish act that left my brother and I fatherless, but I could finally let go of the pain and forgive him.
            I experienced a lot of ignorance amongst people when they found out I was not married. I didn’t receive much emotional support from my mom during my pregnancy. She was more concern about how my pregnancy affected her. My mom is a good person, but social status matters to her. The way you look, dress, and behave is everything. Being pregnant and not married went against our church teachings. My mom was more concerned with what people in our church were going to say, than trying to understand I was struggling too. This made me think of what my biological mother must have experienced when she was pregnant with me. I started to understand what she had felt being unwed and pregnant.  I realized the apple hadn’t fallen very far from the tree.  Living this experience only made me long to know my biological mother even more.
            For my "first" Mother's Day my mom’s gift to me was a ripped piece of paper. I took it from her hand thinking this was an odd gift. I looked at the paper and saw a name written on it. She had given me a piece of paper with a name on it? I looked up at her confused.
“The only thing I know about your biological mother was she had long dark hair and her name. When your dad and I went to pick you up from the hospital we saw her backside as she was walking down the hallway of the hospital with her mother to leave.”
My mom continued with tears in her eyes,
“I wrote her name down to make sure I never forgot it in case someday you wanted to find her. Now that you have become a mother, I feel you are finally mature enough to understand where your birth mother was coming from and you are ready to handle whatever you find out.”
             Giving me the name of my biological mother had to have been the hardest thing she ever did. The anxiety she must have been feeling knowing I could find my biological mom and wondering how this would change our relationship must have been excruciating for her. I looked at my mom differently that day for loving me enough to give me the missing piece to my puzzle.
The journey to find my biological mother took less than a year. Being born in the "1960's" adoptions were closed and records were impossible to gain access too. I took a chance anyways and contacted the State Capital Building in California where I was born and they directed me to their Vital Statistics Department. The secretary explained to me that because my adoption was closed it wouldn't help to petition the judge, I wouldn't be granted the records under any circumstance. The lady then went on to explain to me, that when the biological mother is at the hospital she is given paperwork to fill out with basic information in case the child should come looking for them, if she had filled out that paper I am allowed a copy of it. She took my name and information and told me they would look up my records and see if she had filled out the paper, if she did I would receive it in the mail within four to six weeks.
 Everyday I went to check the mail and when there was no letter from the State of California it made the rest of the day drag on and the wait for the following day seemed like it took forever. I will never forget the day I checked my mail and there in my hand was a letter from the State of California Statistics Office. I was excited and nervous, like a child on their birthday waiting to open their presents.
 As soon as I opened it, there was my entire life I knew nothing about; who I was, where I came from, information all about my biological mother and father, circumstance of why she gave me up, my heart was pounding as I quickly read why I was given up.
My biological father was married, and was the older brother of my birth mother’s best friend and he raped my birth mother. What? I reread this sentence probably a hundred times. What does a person do with that information? I was the product of the inevitable! The one thing an adopted child prayers isn't what happened. There it was written in a single sentence in pencil.
Do I dare erase it? I thought.
 No! I couldn’t, this was her story. I didn’t write it. As much as I wanted to pretend it wasn’t there on the paper, it was.
My brain was storming with mix feelings needing to soak in what I had just read. I had hesitation if I should continue reading but curiosity got the best of me and I continued.
My heart was beating fast, my stomach was in knots, I was so nervous I became nauseated as I was reading; this was a surreal moment for me. I took in every word and paid extra attention to the handwriting, it was her handwriting. A paper written by my “Birth” mother with all the answers I had been searching for. In less than a page she had become a real person, not just a dream.
 I discovered I was a "mutt" having American Indian, French, Jewish and Irish from my mother's side, and Italian from my father's side. I continued to read until I came to the section "RELIGION”, then I read her reply and saw she was the same religion I was. This took me by surprise because my adopted parents didn't convert to our religion until I was one years old. My biological mother never new I was raised in the same religion as her.
That is when I got this brilliant idea! I could petition the church to look up my biological mother’s church records and see if they would send her a letter for me, without having to give me her location, then it would be up to her to contact me.
I wrote a letter explaining my situation and journey to find my biological mother and enclosed a copy of the letter I received from the State of California with all my basic information and decided to leave it in Gods hands. If it were meant to be the church administrators would feel inspired to mail her my letter.  I mailed the letter to the church headquarters.
A few weeks later I received a letter from the church administrators stating they had located her and mailed my letter. I was shocked and pleased that it actually worked. It wasn't but a few days after receiving their letter I received the phone call of a lifetime.
I was sitting in my living room; it was in the early evening when the phone rang and I picked it up,
"Hello?"
A lady's voice asked, "Is this MJ?"
 "Yes.”
She then said the words I thought I would never hear,
 "MJ, this is your mother Ruth."
There was a brief pause of silence before she went on to explain she had gotten my letter and how much it meant to her. She went on to tell me she had been waiting since I turned eighteen for me to find her. She didn't dare come find me because she didn't know if I had been told I was adopted. She explained to me what I already knew concerning her circumstances of becoming pregnant with me, but she caught me off guard when she said,
“I never wanted to give you up, because I was only sixteen legally it was up to my parents and they didn’t want me to have you.”
She went on to explain in the 1960’s being pregnant and not married had a bad stigma. Her parents sent her to an unwed mother’s home in another town where she stayed until I was born. She told me the day I was born the nurses took me so fast she never got to see or hold me. She never gave me a name. After I was born she went back to her home and no one ever knew she had been pregnant.
My biological father was never told about me and to this day doesn’t know I exist. At her request I never searched for him. She did tell me at the time she got pregnant he was nineteen and his wife was also pregnant. They had a baby girl a few months before I was born. He worked as an auto mechanic. A few years later she mailed me a picture of him and his sister. I have held on to that picture in a special box with other pictures I have collected of Ruth and my siblings over the years.
Ruth went on to tell me that my entire childhood growing up in California I was only twenty minutes away from her. When she was older and married, her husband was a Sherriff in the county and had found where I was living. They would sit in their car across from my house and watch me play. Never wanting to approach me or disrupt my life, but she always knew where I was. Eventually, she got divorced and didn’t have access to my whereabouts any longer. When my family moved away she lost what little contact she had with me. We talked for what seemed to be a lifetime, but in reality wasn’t any longer than thirty to forty minutes, before ending the conversation and making plans to meet.
Two weeks later I was knocking on the door to her apartment. It wasn’t a mansion with extravagant cars or a butler and maids like I imagined growing up. When she opened it I couldn't help but stare at her trying not to stare too much and make the moment awkward. I wanted to take in every little detail about her and discover all our similarities. She was a simple person, dressed in a button down plaid blue shirt and blue jeans. She had dark brown hair and sky blue eyes and was taller than me. While scanning the inside of her apartment, she had very simple furniture nothing to brag about. On the couch I saw a girl and a boy sitting with huge smiles on their faces; they looked to be around my age. Ruth introduced them as my half-brother and half-sister. Their father was Indian, and they looked Indian both with long dark brown hair, brown eyes and brown skin.  I knew I was part Indian, but I couldn’t see it. Ruth and I both had dark brown hair, blue eyes, and white skin. I noticed right away that out of all her children I was the only one who bore a resemblance to her.  My half siblings commented right away on how much Ruth and I looked a like. Wow! I finally knew who I looked like.
 I stayed the night in her home, getting to know all of them talking, playing cards, and eating dinner. I found out a lot of my interest and hobbies were the same as Ruth’s, things I would tell her about me she would comment she did too or she also like. It was refreshing to talk with her. Ruth understood me because she thought like I did. My adopted mom and I rarely thought alike.
 Instantly, I was intrigued. It was a moment I had dreamed of my entire life and here I was in her home, wondering if this is how it would have been if she had kept me. Wondering what my name would have been? Would I have the same personality or have been the same person, if Ruth had raised me? I was trying to envision my life with these new people. I would have grown up with a sister; I grew up being the only girl and always wanted to have a sister. I was excited to know I had a sister and yet, the awkwardness made it so I didn't know what to say to her. I couldn’t help but wonder if our relationship would have been a close relationship, or if we would have fought and been rivals. My visit with Ruth and her family was like an outer body experience. For a moment, I was in their lives but I wasn't part of it.
A search that took Twenty-two years was over in a weekend, I felt like I was floating on a cloud. I couldn't have been more blessed to know the most important missing link in my life didn't turn out bad. I was wanted! They did want to meet me! Her children grew up knowing about me. I wasn’t this awful secret nobody talked about. I never forgot this moment. It’s a memory I will cherish deep in my heart for the rest of my life.
 I am fully aware that not all children who search for their biological parents have the same outcome as me. My visit with Ruth was unique because my outcome could have been a disaster, but by some miracle it wasn’t. I will be forever grateful. This is the only time I saw Ruth but we have stayed in touch over the years. I have to thank modern technology for keeping us connected.
 Ruth and my half-sister and I have built a friendship through many conversations on Facebook and emails. My half-brother came and lived with me for a year. We figured out we had attended the same elementary school at the same time but never knew whom each other was.  He and I are the closest in age and we seem to have the most in common.
I don't know if finding Ruth answered all my questions but it did fill an emptiness I had inside.
Over the years I have continued to think back on one thing Ruth said to me when she first met me and asked how my life had been.
I gave her all the details of my childhood and she angrily replied,
            “If I had known your life was going to be like that I would have kept you. I gave you up to have a better life than what I could give you.”
I wondered would my life had been better, if she kept me?
The year I spent with my half-brother he repeatedly said,
“Be glad our mom didn’t raise you?” He told me they raised themselves, He always said Ruth wasn’t ready to be a mother. Each one of them had dealt with their childhood in their own way; two of them were recovering drug and alcohol addicts, and the third one(the youngest) was in prison for attempted murder. I’ve never met him.  I know their childhood wasn't easy either, but even with all my trials my adopted life didn’t seem as bad as theirs.
I learned to appreciate my adopted mom and come to accept that we will always have our differences. I’ve been able to build a friendship with her. She is my mom. She raised me and loved me. After years of my parents trying unsuccessfully to conceive their own children. I was their miracle baby. I wasn't wondering if " the grass was greener on the other side," anymore.
Do I let being adopted define me? Does coming from a broken home define me? Does my father’s suicide define me? Does being a single parent define me? I wouldn’t be human if these life events haven’t defined me, but they never destroyed me.
I learned to appreciate the life I was given. Even though it wasn’t the life I had imagined, it was still my life and my lessons to learn. I choose who I am, not my circumstances of how I was born or the way I was raised; They may influence my choices, but they are still my choices and who I become is ultimately up to no one, but me. How I chose to live my life, my character, my spirituality and the example I set for all those around me will define the destiny of my soul.
I spent my entire life putting the value of my self-worth on “who I was,” I never allowed myself to learn the biggest lesson of all that I am simply ME!  A daughter, a sister, a wife, a mother, a friend, and that is, all that truly matters.
I traveled a long journey to realize it; the important thing is I realized it.

"I guess WE ARE WHO WE ARE for a lot of reasons, and maybe we'll never know most of them, but even if we don't have the power to choose where we come from, we can still choose where we go from there." The perks of being a Wallflower, By Stephen Chbosky