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Sunday, July 7, 2013

Cutting Those Apron Strings

"Parents rarely let go of their children, so children let go of them. They move on. They move away. The moments that used to define them- a mother's approval, a father's nod, are covered by moments of their own accomplishments. It is not until much later, as the skin sags and the heart weakens, that children understand; their stories, and all their accomplishments, sit atop the stories of their mothers and fathers, stones upon stones, beneath the waters of their lives."
 Mitch Albom, The Five People You Meet in Heaven


When I started having children my life ended as I knew it and a new way of life began.  Days of no sleep, nursing sick children, cleaning up puke, performing first aid on endless cuts, scrapes and bruises, yelling and arguing, sadness, laughter and love, many talks and sometimes just listening, being chauffeur to many play dates, sports, sleepovers, I became enslaved to my children, The career I once dreamed of now put on hold, the freedom I once had now gone. For the next 18 years I live, breathe, for my children, dreaming for the day they leave, and journey into the world on their own and, then, one day it's here! Just like that, I  blink and they are all grown up,  all the stress and joys of raising them I realize I'm not ready to let them go, I question did I raised them right, teach them enough, educationally, spiritually, morally, did I give them the right advise? Do they know not to mix whites with colors, not to cook everything on high, how much medicine to take when they don't feel good, do they know the recipe to their favorite home cook meal, for a minute I start to second guess the last 18 years I was there for them building their nest of security. I thought having children was hard, watching them leave is harder.

The day when your child graduates from High School is one of the biggest milestones in their lives. A milestone stating their childhood is complete and all the sleepless nights of yelling at them to do their homework, curfews of being home early on school nights, has paid off,  It closes one chapter in their lives and allows them to start their adulthood while they still know everything.

One of the proud moments of my life was watching my children graduate from High School.  A reassurance,  that I did alright as a parent. knowing they will be leaving soon after  graduation, makes this special day bitter/sweet. I prepared the whole time being a parent teaching my children to be successful in life and now I had to put faith in my own teachings and trust I taught them enough, so they will be able to go out in the world and be a successful, functional young adult; Understanding children will have challenges in life and I won't always be there, not because I don't want to be there, but, because I know my children are not going to share things with me like they did when they are younger.

The day my eldest left home for college was a sobering one; excited to see what kind of adult he will be and what life has in store for him, but sad his childhood is nothing but pictures in photo albums and memories now. Finally, understanding that stage in our lives is over, is an emotional one. I wanted to hold him and never let him go,I wanted to still protect him from the world,  but at the same time I could see his excitement, still  naive, but,  longing for self independence to move on and become his own person, I knew he was ready. 

It doesn't take long for the dreaded words you hope to never hear come,  "I'm too busy,"  "Can't take off work," or "need to study for finals," "wish I could."  I began to understand why my mom got so excited for the holidays. A time in all our young lives where the importance of family gathering seems so petty, as you become older you cherish every family get together you are able to have.  I started to look forward to when college was out and I knew he would be home. I made sure all their childhood memories and favorite decorations were sitting out around the house, so we could reminisce about them later. The holidays were no longer about making it fun, but cherishing the time I had all my children home.

I wanted to know everything while they were home.  Friends? Girlfriends? Boyfriends? How life was going? I was so excited to hear all about their lives away from home.  They would answer my questions, but I could feel a sense of coolness, They didn't get excited to tell me anymore like they did when they were younger, all of a sudden I was just being nosey, or meddling,  It hurts to see the closeness slipping away, I am not the main person in their lives anymore.  Growing up they depended on me for everything, now they depends on their friends, co-workers, or jobs. Then, it hit me out of nowhere,  it was happening just like it did for me with my parents, tat that moment I could see my young adult self in their eyes.   I had been foolish just enough to think time would stop for me, but it didn't.

My son's senior year of college two more major milestones happened. The "BIG" day he told me he wanted to ask his girlfriend to marry him. We talked for hours, I was so excited, but, I think secretly I was hoping to talk him out of it for my own selfish reasons, no mother wants to be replaced by another girl you know he will depend on more than you, but knowing in my heart it would never happen I had to accept it and let him move on.  I felt very honored when he chose me to go with him to pick her engagement ring. I knew the whole time we were looking at rings this would probably be the last real mother/son time we would have and I cherished every minute of it. We went to all the jewelry stores in town before we found the perfect ring for this special girl he had chosen to make his wife. I couldn't help but keep staring at my little boy, only to realize my son had truly become a man.

He proposed to her like a perfect gentleman asking her father for her hand in marriage first. They gave him their blessing. The next time we saw them she was wearing her ring. It looked gorgeous on her and my son was proud to show it off to us. Soon the wedding planning began.

Exactly a month after his college graduation we were sitting at his wedding. This day was a surreal moment for me. I was there, but it felt like an outer body experience.  This boy I loved and invested so much of my life into was now going to share his life with someone else.  This is going to be new territory for me. I won't be the person he counts on, shares his secrets with, asks advice, calls when he doesn't feel good, She will be who he turns too, which, is how it should be, this parenting stuff is getting a lot harder, than I thought. The biggest challenge has been letting go.
 
 We put so much time and energy into being a mom from the day you find out your pregnant, impatiently waiting, waiting for the morning sickness to end, waiting until baby is born, waiting for baby to sleep through the night, waiting for them to crawl, waiting for them to take their first steps, waiting for them to go to school, waiting for them to grow up and when they finally do, we don't want to let go, we wait for their calls, wait for their visits, being a mother is a life of a lot of waiting, but I would wait all over again, if I could.

One by one my children have flown the coop, and new chapters have started. The latest chapter is called "Mima and Papa" our new names. The day will come when our children will have to cut their apron strings, and so will their children, and their children and life comes full circle.

















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